Accepting Abstinence

This is my journey of accepting abstinence. I am hoping that you, the reader, will join me on this journey. I invite you to please share comments with me of your journey. Please let this be an interactive blog where you could relate to my imperfect quest (and I promise it WILL be imperfect) of accepting abstinence. I have struggled for as long as I could remember w/ my obsessions and compulsions with food. I remember wanting to visit friends' houses as a young girl, just so that I could enjoy their delicious foods. In my lifetime, I have lost weight on strict diets, I have lost weight on sensible diets, I have felt "high" on being thinner, I have promised myself never to return to a higher weight, and then, on the contrary, have felt "high" on sneaking in the kitchen to gorge on food, I subsequently have felt disgusted because of the number on the scale or the tightness of my clothes. I have felt elated to binge, and then miserable the next day, only to binge again to better my mood. I have convinced myself that I did not have a problem- I just 'need' the motivation to lose weight and to be healthy. But, I am finally, admitting to you and, more importantly, to myself: I CANNOT CONTROL MY FOOD ON MY OWN! Am I angry about it? Yes! Do I feel like a failure because I can't even control what I eat and what I don't yeat? Yes! But, I can't change what I don't acknowledge...and I am acknowledging that without a higher power, I will experience this rollercoaster for the rest of my life.

Sitting here, right now, reflecting on my episodes of bingeing, followed by swearing off food, followed by 'one last binge,' I realize just how 'insane' I am. The extents I have gone through to eat would make one think I was a starving person struggling to find food. Instead, I am a fortunate person, who has enough food. Instead of struggling to find nourishment, I struggled to find my fix. I have gone through the garbage, denied that I have eaten food to my husband that I KNOW I have eaten, I have become OBSESSED with diets, and I have seeked comfort in food long after it has caused me self-deprication and heartache. Today, I am going to try to give my life over to my higher power- JUST FOR TODAY. I am not going to worry about tomorrow, hec, I won't even worry about this evening. Let me just give over the next few hours to g'd. I will try to fill myself, today, with my higher power, instead of filling myself with food...