"We can now cease blaming ourselves or others for our compulsive eating"

"We can now cease blaming ourselves or others for our compulsive eating"

I began reading (or should I say re-reading?) Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over food -- that our lives have become unmanageable. The quote above, "We can now cease blaming ourselves or others for our compulsive eating," spoke volumes to me. Of course, I blamed myself for overeating. I told myself repeatedly that I was a failure because I did not have enough willpower and strength to break this 'habit.' But I've also blamed others. Not only have I blamed others, I've blamed places, emotions, events, etc.

In regards to blaming others, I have blamed my parents numerous times for overeating. I am estranged, for 11 years now, from my father who was abusive, in multiple ways, to me as a child. I, of course, have blamed him for seeking emotional comfort in food, and for utilizing food as a tool to mitigate the emotional pain that I felt as a child and continue to feel as an adult. Then, I've blamed my mother. I've blamed her for not protecting me from my father, for not protecting me from from my first boyfriend who was also abusive, and who raped me when I was 14. I also blame her from not standing up for me to her ex-boyfriend who never got to know me, but resented the fact that I lived with them (I was 20 years old and just out of college), and he said nasty things about me to her, and also did silly things like bringing in everyone's mail except mine. One of the saddest moments of my life was when I heard him bashing me to my mother upstairs, and she didn't say a word back. This especially hurt because he honestly didn't even know me. He was saying things like, "How could she ever get accepted to a PhD program?" Did he realize that I just graduated NYU with a 3.9 GPA? And, that I worked my butt of studying for the GRE's? And to finish the story, 6 years later, I have my master's, will have my second master's this May, and in six months, I will be, g'd willing, graduated from my PhD program, with a 4.0 to boot. And, I'm only 26 years old.

But, I must add in a clause here that states, loud and clear, that my mother is an amazing one, especially now, whom I am beyond lucky to have as my mother. Next, I've blamed my husband for "causing" me to binge at times when he was, in my opinion, emotionally unavailable. I've also blamed both my mother/brother combination because of their own bingeing issues. As I reflect back on this now, I realize how much blame I've put on both others and on myself. It's time to put the blame to rest. It's definitely harder said than done... without a doubt. And it's something I will undoubtedly keeping persisting in and persevearing on. It's something that I must remind myself of when I realize my faulty thinking of blaming others and myself. It's not, unfortunately, something I could just write in this blog, and then 'poof,' I've stopped blaming others and myself. But, it's a journey...And I am hoping g'd will help me cease blaming others while on this wonderful journey.....