"We can now cease blaming ourselves or others for our compulsive eating"

"We can now cease blaming ourselves or others for our compulsive eating"

I began reading (or should I say re-reading?) Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over food -- that our lives have become unmanageable. The quote above, "We can now cease blaming ourselves or others for our compulsive eating," spoke volumes to me. Of course, I blamed myself for overeating. I told myself repeatedly that I was a failure because I did not have enough willpower and strength to break this 'habit.' But I've also blamed others. Not only have I blamed others, I've blamed places, emotions, events, etc.

In regards to blaming others, I have blamed my parents numerous times for overeating. I am estranged, for 11 years now, from my father who was abusive, in multiple ways, to me as a child. I, of course, have blamed him for seeking emotional comfort in food, and for utilizing food as a tool to mitigate the emotional pain that I felt as a child and continue to feel as an adult. Then, I've blamed my mother. I've blamed her for not protecting me from my father, for not protecting me from from my first boyfriend who was also abusive, and who raped me when I was 14. I also blame her from not standing up for me to her ex-boyfriend who never got to know me, but resented the fact that I lived with them (I was 20 years old and just out of college), and he said nasty things about me to her, and also did silly things like bringing in everyone's mail except mine. One of the saddest moments of my life was when I heard him bashing me to my mother upstairs, and she didn't say a word back. This especially hurt because he honestly didn't even know me. He was saying things like, "How could she ever get accepted to a PhD program?" Did he realize that I just graduated NYU with a 3.9 GPA? And, that I worked my butt of studying for the GRE's? And to finish the story, 6 years later, I have my master's, will have my second master's this May, and in six months, I will be, g'd willing, graduated from my PhD program, with a 4.0 to boot. And, I'm only 26 years old.

But, I must add in a clause here that states, loud and clear, that my mother is an amazing one, especially now, whom I am beyond lucky to have as my mother. Next, I've blamed my husband for "causing" me to binge at times when he was, in my opinion, emotionally unavailable. I've also blamed both my mother/brother combination because of their own bingeing issues. As I reflect back on this now, I realize how much blame I've put on both others and on myself. It's time to put the blame to rest. It's definitely harder said than done... without a doubt. And it's something I will undoubtedly keeping persisting in and persevearing on. It's something that I must remind myself of when I realize my faulty thinking of blaming others and myself. It's not, unfortunately, something I could just write in this blog, and then 'poof,' I've stopped blaming others and myself. But, it's a journey...And I am hoping g'd will help me cease blaming others while on this wonderful journey.....

Accepting Abstinence

This is my journey of accepting abstinence. I am hoping that you, the reader, will join me on this journey. I invite you to please share comments with me of your journey. Please let this be an interactive blog where you could relate to my imperfect quest (and I promise it WILL be imperfect) of accepting abstinence. I have struggled for as long as I could remember w/ my obsessions and compulsions with food. I remember wanting to visit friends' houses as a young girl, just so that I could enjoy their delicious foods. In my lifetime, I have lost weight on strict diets, I have lost weight on sensible diets, I have felt "high" on being thinner, I have promised myself never to return to a higher weight, and then, on the contrary, have felt "high" on sneaking in the kitchen to gorge on food, I subsequently have felt disgusted because of the number on the scale or the tightness of my clothes. I have felt elated to binge, and then miserable the next day, only to binge again to better my mood. I have convinced myself that I did not have a problem- I just 'need' the motivation to lose weight and to be healthy. But, I am finally, admitting to you and, more importantly, to myself: I CANNOT CONTROL MY FOOD ON MY OWN! Am I angry about it? Yes! Do I feel like a failure because I can't even control what I eat and what I don't yeat? Yes! But, I can't change what I don't acknowledge...and I am acknowledging that without a higher power, I will experience this rollercoaster for the rest of my life.

Sitting here, right now, reflecting on my episodes of bingeing, followed by swearing off food, followed by 'one last binge,' I realize just how 'insane' I am. The extents I have gone through to eat would make one think I was a starving person struggling to find food. Instead, I am a fortunate person, who has enough food. Instead of struggling to find nourishment, I struggled to find my fix. I have gone through the garbage, denied that I have eaten food to my husband that I KNOW I have eaten, I have become OBSESSED with diets, and I have seeked comfort in food long after it has caused me self-deprication and heartache. Today, I am going to try to give my life over to my higher power- JUST FOR TODAY. I am not going to worry about tomorrow, hec, I won't even worry about this evening. Let me just give over the next few hours to g'd. I will try to fill myself, today, with my higher power, instead of filling myself with food...